*Warning, you may pee yourself laughing once you get past the horror* So I totally love to travel!!! I have wonderlust, the chronic disease edition!!! It’s bad and it is probably why I don’t have a massive savings account but I digress… I say that though to make clear that I am no newbie to traveling. I started flying solo pretty much when I hit double digits. In fact I remember one trip that was particularly traumatizing for my mother when I was about 12 and I was accompanying my 7 year old sister on our way to Michigan to visit my grandmother. All we had to do was walk from the one plane to another during our layover and my mom decided not to pay for us to be accompanied by the flight attendants. Of course for some reason that I could not tell you these many years later, we were bumped from the flight and very far from home. These were in the precell phone days so my mom demanded that was stay near the payphone as she slowly lost her mind and feared the worst. We were fine and totally unfazed but I now understand why she was so worked up. But again I digress…
So on to the point… why do I love United’s flight attendants? Let me first say that this is a new and fragile love because we had a fight a couple weeks ago when I had to change a ticket and got over charged but I will let that story wait… Let me instead tell you a story about my trip to Seattle, Washington this weekend. I went up there on Saturday for the long weekend to visit a friend. On my way home, I was getting onto my flight and the woman before me had multiple bags and was making no attempt to hide it. She had 2 purses, a tote bag and a roller bag. As she walked by, the counter attendant told her that she was going to have to check her roller and she was not happy about that but she let her tag it. Now the baglady/hobo chic thing she had going on should have been the first indicator that she might not be stable but it was late and I wasn’t analyzing (first mistake).
Once we got to the end of the ramp, she proceeded to try and take it onto the plane anyway. I was busy texting and did not even notice at first. She got a couple steps in before the attendants on the plane asked her if these were all her bags. She had already walked past here and I didn’t think she had heard so I casually said I think she was supposed to leave that one outside. Oh if looks could kill, I would have been dead on that floor!!! She gave me the nastiest look as she tried to get her bag to the flight attendant to be taken off. I had my headphones on so I just ignored it. As we began walking towards our seats, I realized she was saying something to me so I removed the headphones to see what was being said (second mistake).
Apparently she wanted to inform me that I need to mind my business and she doesn’t like people that don’t know how to mind their business. To which I responded, well I don’t care and quickly made to decision to engage as little as possible because my spidey sense was tingling. She continued anyway telling me that I needed to learn my place. At this point she was at her seat rearranging at her stuff and blocking the aisle so that I could not continue on. I waited patiently as the line behind me continued to grow longer and longer.
So at this point, I am laughing and smiling because it is so ridiculous that this is even happening… I mean isn’t it 2013?? Also don’t forget that the whole plane is lining up behind me waiting to sit down. Well apparently my smiling confused the flight attendant, Michelle, who got the impression that everything was fine. When Michelle finally approached to ask the woman to step in, she learned things were not fine when the lady responded with “I’m not moving for her” (aka me). The flight attendant immediately turned around to return to the back at call up front.
The baglady continued with her small mind rant next telling me that she was obviously better than me, “I mean look at us”.
Now let me give you a little more information about this lady… she was a much older white woman with stringy hair, age spots, and a horrible outfit… I was looking at us and I hate to be superficial but she asked me to look so I did… and I will just say. I’m not sure what she was seeing but again I digress…
So back to the cray cray moment… After Michelle called up front, she began to return to the area and seeing her approach baglady having nothing left to rearrange finally sat down and said “I guess you can go ahead by now and sit down darkie”.
So Dave Chappelle’s Killing Me Softly is one of my favorite stand ups and I had a flashback in that moment!!! I was shocked!! I finally made my way to my seat and got settle and tried to eat my fried rice, only to find that my hands were uncontrollably shaking… so I got up and went to the back. Michelle told me not to worry, she had already called up front but she didn’t have the whole story. When I told her she was appalled and immediately got back on the phone to the front. She apologized which I told her was unnecessary since this was not her doing. She told me that she did not like the attitude she got when she approached her and that this was the end of a 4 day tour and that they did not stand for that. She also told me to wait in the back, that I had done nothing wrong but that she did not want me to be subjected to any more abuse.
Shortly after that the attendant in the front who was also an angel but I didn’t catch her name. She went to baglady and told her that Customer Service was on the way, that the young lady in the back was very upset and that they would be accommodating her on another flight…. OH SNAP!!!
She whined but they were not having it and not budging and sure enough Customer Service showed up shortly after. That’s when the water works started but it was definitely too little too late. She protested but they were resolute. She cried that she had been traveling for over 48 hours and just wanted to get home and that she had no where to go. She also said she didn’t want any problems only to be informed that was she was already a problem and that it as time to go. She finally got up to leave only to be told no, get your things because you won’t be returning. As I watched this from the back, Michelle asked me where my seat was, a middle spot towards the back. Baglady had an aisle seat, which Michelle decided should be mine after she was booted. #Instakarma
Parting shot… BYE BYE BYE
I watched from the back and snacked with slightly less shaky hands as she was escorted from the plane. I had to fight the urge to begin a slow clap as she departed. Once she was removed, I was allowed to go to my new seat and had many much needed laughs with my new seatmate as we exchanged stories about the experience. That was when we decided that we had an SNL skit on our hands!!